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Monday, July 21, 2003
Kobe, Make Me Your New Agent!
Everyone seems to be fixated on the fact that the Los Angeles Lakers’ Kobe Bryant could lose millions of dollars in endorsements because of alleged sexual assault charges brought against him by a young lady in Colorado. Being a person who always looks for the positive side in a situation, I figured out that he doesn’t have to lose even one dollar in endorsements. All that is needed is a restructuring of his endorsement deals.Forget all of the endorsement deals that he currently has and let’s look at some of the other possible companies or industries that might have Kobe as their spokesperson.
The clothing industry would be one possibility. Kobe could market a line of the new tear-away concierge outfits. The slogan could be “for those moments when you need to get out of your clothes quickly, choose the tear-away” or “insist that your concierge wear the new tear-away outfit so the clothes don’t end up as evidence.” Perhaps he could endorse a line of mens clothing that could include sexual assault team outfits. “Your posse needs to be stylishly dressed for those intimate moments when they are holding that woman down for you.”
Kobe could be the spokesperson for a hotel chain that has rooms that are “specially constructed” for those quiet out-of-town nights when you don’t want to disturb guests in other rooms. The slogan for the hotel could be “Stay at our hotel with the “Silencer” soundproof walls.”
Mr. Bryant may be good for a condom commercial by holding up a pack of condoms saying “Protect yourself and your career with the Colorado Copulation Condoms.”
He could promote wine coolers. The promotional line could be “drink Kobe Wine Coolers and you won’t have to force her to get what you want.”
Every major sports franchise has a member of the team that fronts for a local legal group. Here is the scene. Kobe Bryant is sitting in the conference room with the obligatory law books providing the appropriate background. He is surrounded by the four smiling partners of the law firm. Kobe says “If you are charged with sexual assault by a 19 year old star struck gal, call my lawyers, Breakum, Bustum, Tryum and Freeum.
There are so many possibilities to help Kobe Bryant maintain his stature as the #3 sports figure in terms of endorsements. Make me Kobe Bryant’s agent and I’ll protect his financial interests by finding endorsements that no one will find scandalous.
Posted by Life's Little Observer
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