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Thursday, June 26, 2003
If I ever see another local news broadcast it will be too soon. Here’s why.
The dinnertime newscast begins with cutsy phrases like “live, local, late breaking” and “community, commitment, caring.” They should use something like “boring, backward, bogus.”
The local news programmers have a penchant for finding the bottom of the food chain as eyewitnesses.
SEGMENT I: The reporter is on the scene “live” with a “late breaking report.” The scene opens with a two-shot of the reporter and a lady who is wearing a large pair of glasses that haven’t been cleaned since Hurricane Andrew. They have smudge marks so thick with fingerprints that even the LA Police Forensic unit could figure out to whom they belong. The camera shot continues as it zooms in on a close up of the woman with unwashed, matted stringy hair holding her granddaughter. You notice that this made for TV model has 3.4 teeth in the top of her mouth and one tooth, right in the center, on the bottom. She begins to explain to the reporter about the water main break, the reason for which the news trucks are gathered on her front yard. Her recounting of this incident is virtually incomprehensible. She also launches into a tirade blaming the city for all of her other ills, which, of course, have nothing to do with this story. The immediate challenge to the viewer is to figure out what language she is speaking. It turns out that she really is speaking English, but using a dialect that became extinct with the just prior to the Civil War.
As the reporter’s head spins like a top, looking for more action and more people to interview, he says “we will bring you back LIVE as developments occur.”
The reporter never returns during that newscast. After all of the intense questioning by the reporter and promises to “get to the bottom of the controversy,” the real cause of the water in the street is that the guy who lives up the street forgot to turn off the hose when he finished washing his SUV.
SEGMENT II: A new graphic instantly appears with lights, flashing colors and thunderous sounds that make carnival rides seem meek. After the graphic and audio subsides you see the photo of the legal team.
The photo of the legal team of reporters are standing back to back with their arms folded and their faces look like your elementary school principal when you have just been banished to his office for throwing spit balls. The camera angle is such that you are looking up to these reporters. You get the impression that they are supreme to those of us watching and they can get things done that us mere mortals can’t get done for ourselves. These law school student wannabes will leave no stone unturned to bring justice for their television audience. The tease indicates that these local legal eagles will “get you the answers you want.” And, they add the following tag line “this is a story you can’t afford to miss.” I don’t know about you, but I was really impressed that these guys took up seven minutes of my time to tell me how they secured a $3.35 refund from the long distance telephone company for one of their “loyal” watchers of the news.
Before going to commercial they always try to keep you tuned to their station by taking a world or national news story and giving it local flavor. The twenty something news babe says “see how a local man has a connection to SARS.” I’m riveted now, let’s get through the commercials.
SEGMENT III: Here is the story that was promised in the tease prior to the commercials. The news babe begins “somebody my brother once knew had a Chinese friend who lived across the street from someone who knew doctor who had a step sister who who lives in Canada and read about SARS. See the entire story at eleven.” WHAT????!!!
SEGMENT IV: This is my favorite. You see video of the war in Afghanistan. This tape has obviously been shot by one of the major networks. The voice you hear is that of the reporter from the local station. Do they actually think that I think they are in Afghanistan covering the war? Yeah, I’m sitting in my den watching the news and I yell to my wife “look hon, there’s [insert your local reporters name here] covering the war.”
And as Walter Cronkite would say, “And that’s the news.” And that’s the news? Thank goodness its over.
I had to get through the news so I can watch the syndicated version of WOF and watch Vanna turn the letters. Now that’s “Must See TV!”
Posted by Life's Little Observer
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